WASHINGTON — The holiday season is a joyous time for most — and that can make things even worse if it鈥檚 the first Christmas since a parent or spouse has passed away.
Doctor Paul Coleman, a psychologist and author of the new book Finding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces, tells 草莓传媒 there are a few techniques that can help you through.
First off, he says, 鈥淭ry to find out what it is that you personally might need.鈥�
There are three kinds of help you need from friends. Some, you will find, are good doers: They can help shovel your driveway or fix dinner.
鈥淵ou might need practical help that way,鈥� Coleman says.
Others are good listeners.
鈥淭hose are the people who, when you just need to vent 鈥� that鈥檚 the person to call.鈥�
The third is a good distractor, Coleman says: They can take you to lunch of a movie, and take your mind off things.
鈥淔ind those people who can achieve for you what it is you personally might need,鈥� he says.
The holiday traditions can be especially painful, since those rituals traditions usually revolve around one person who carried them out.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e probably going to have to make some new traditions,鈥� Coleman says, but there鈥檚 a way to rehabilitate the old ones.
It may sound strange, Coleman says, but it can be helpful to have what he calls 鈥渁 hello-again dialogue — you just say hello to that person: 鈥楬i Mom; we鈥檙e making the Thanksgiving turkey of the Christmas ham. And it鈥檚 not the same as you used to make, but we鈥檙e doing it with you in mind, and we love you.鈥� 鈥� You bring that person鈥檚 spirit into the room with you.鈥�
No matter what, the holidays can be a happy time, and Coleman says it鈥檚 important to allow yourself to feel that joy if you鈥檙e feeling it, alongside your grief.
鈥淚t鈥檚 important to honor the fact that you鈥檙e going to feel both,鈥� Coleman says.
If you鈥檙e around a house full of kids, 鈥淵ou have to smile and enjoy,鈥� he allows: 鈥淵ou want to give yourself permission to feel OK.鈥�
And you might feel the temptation to sit out the holidays altogether. Coleman says you can honor that feeling, but be careful.
鈥淚t鈥檚 still important to have some kind of emotional support; you don鈥檛 want to withdraw completely 鈥� But if you need to have some quiet time to just get through it, there鈥檚 nothing wrong [with it].鈥�
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