Christine Oakfield wasn鈥檛 prepared for the realization that only a few months remained until her teen daughter would leave for college.
Her awakening came at a family gathering shortly before graduation.
鈥淚t was really easy to ignore it for a while because you have all the 鈥榯o-do鈥� lists, the college applications and everything else,鈥� Oakfield, who lives just outside Philadelphia, said. 鈥淲e were at that family function, and someone said, 鈥極h, you and your husband are going to be empty nesters soon.鈥� And it just hit me.鈥�
The emotional jolt may have been harder for Oakfield because her daughter graduated from high school at age 14 and decided to attend Mary Baldwin University hundreds of miles away in Staunton, Virginia.
鈥淢y whole identity was wrapped up in being a mom,鈥� she told 草莓传媒. 鈥淚 home-schooled her. So, I was with her all the time.鈥�
Oakfield took action, scouring the internet for self-help or support groups for empty nesters. She came up empty-handed: 鈥淚 Googled 鈥榚mpty nest,鈥� and what came up was a TV show and a blog article from Psychology Today,鈥� she said.
Oakfield struggled through a year of missing her daughter at times and was unsure about her future at other times. She turned to a few blogs, a handful of books and some podcasts on midlife transitions.
鈥淎 year into her college, I realized that I love podcasts. Why don鈥檛 I create one for this niche?鈥� Oakfield said. 鈥淣ow, I鈥檒l get an email from someone who will say, 鈥業 listen to your podcast and thank you because I know I鈥檓 not alone.鈥� And that鈥檚 everything for me.鈥�
Oakfield’s podcast, , has over 125,000 downloads. She also became a life coach to a growing list of parents who need help navigating the changes and emotional challenges sparked when their teens head off to college, the military or whatever creates an empty nest.
Oakfield said an increase in empty nest coaches and online support groups suggests a greater demand among parents looking to hire empty nest coaches.
鈥淚t鈥檚 different for everyone. It鈥檚 little moments that you don鈥檛 expect,鈥� Oakfield told 草莓传媒. 鈥淚 have clients who say they鈥檙e fine and then they go grocery shopping and seeing their kid鈥檚 favorite cereal is the trigger for them.鈥�
‘Too connected’
Fellow empty nest coach Jay Ramsden said it鈥檚 tough for parents to figure out who they are outside of the day-to-day parenting role.
He said social media, smartphones and technology make it harder for parents to disconnect from a child who is away at college than it was for previous generations.
So, a clean break never really happens.
鈥淲e鈥檙e just too connected,鈥� said Ramsden, a retired educator who started coaching when he became an empty nester. 鈥淲e have access to them. My parents didn’t have access to me in the way that I had access to my kids when they were in college.鈥�
Ramsden, who is based in Massachusetts and takes on clients in the D.C. area, encourages parents to prepare early for a child鈥檚 send-off. The first step for parents is determining their new role.
鈥淵ou have to get a handle on your head and your heart,鈥� he said. 鈥淭his life transition sparks questions like, 鈥榃hat does this mean for me? What is my role now?鈥� All those questions go through our heads.鈥�
Healthy barriers and space
Ramsden said once parents answer those questions, the next steps include discovering their new life goals.
Empty nest coach Catharine Ecton agrees.
She鈥檚 based in D.C., and started taking on clients shortly after retiring from a career in education. One of her top goals is to help parents find their new direction.
鈥淥ne of my favorite quotes by Yogi Berra, 鈥業f you don鈥檛 know where you鈥檙e going, you鈥檒l end up someplace else,鈥欌�� she said. 鈥淭he biggest step is deciding you want to make a change. You want to do something to help you from not worrying and not crying.鈥�
Ecton also helps her clients create healthy barriers before teens leave for college. She said too much interaction with parents can hinder a teen鈥檚 acclimation to college life, especially within the first few months after a child leaves.
鈥淕ive the child their space,鈥� she said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 also an opportunity to be a role model for your child, to show them that mom and dad miss you, but we have things that we鈥檙e doing, too.鈥�
But the challenges of an empty nest become easier over time.
Podcaster Oakfield said enduring the tough times can lead to something new between empty nesters and their kids.
鈥淎 lot of us haven鈥檛 had the space ever in our lives to really consider who we are,鈥� she said. 鈥淭his feels like one of the last opportunities for somebody to say, 鈥極K, is this what I want to be going forward?鈥� We have an amazing opportunity to build a new relationship with our kids that can be really fun.鈥�
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