WASHINGTON 鈥� With a return to early-morning routines, after-school obligations and carpool schedules that require more coordination than a cross-country trip, back-to-school means 鈥渂ack-to-busy鈥� for many parents.
And in the grind of the day-to-day, it鈥檚 easy to get dragged down by all of life鈥檚 demands 鈥� bagged lunches and last-minute book projects included.
, former editor of The New York Times’ Motherlode blog and author of 鈥�,鈥� said a little perspective and a few strategies can go a long way when it comes to embracing the joy of raising children.
Here are some of her top tips for surviving parenthood with a smile:
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Put a.m. anarchy to bed
Nothing sets up a day quite like a morning of screaming, spilled cereal and missing homework.
鈥淲hen the last thing you shriek at your kids is, 鈥楾old you you were going to be late!鈥� and you slam the door, you don鈥檛 feel good, they don鈥檛 feel good and it鈥檚 terrible for everybody,鈥� Dell’Antonia said.
She added that one of the best things to keep in mind during the morning rush is that 鈥渢here鈥檚 absolutely nothing at stake.鈥� Lunches can go unmade, gym shoes can remain lost and everything will be OK.
鈥淥ne of the things to do in the morning is to just let go of the need that it go right,鈥� Dell’Antonia said.
鈥淯nless you have to clock in at 8:04 and your kid has to get dropped off at 7:58 and you鈥檝e got a four-minute drive 鈥� and most of us are just not that tight 鈥� your kid could forget all of those things and be late to school, and you will be fine. And, in the long run, they will be fine.鈥�
Another piece of advice she offers for mitigating messy mornings? Get more sleep 鈥� a tip that鈥檚 more fantasy than reality for busy parents who only see free time after the kids are in bed.
鈥淵ou鈥檙e cranking through, you鈥檙e doing your work, you鈥檝e got the kids, and finally, it鈥檚 your time. And suddenly, if you don鈥檛 go to bed now, you can鈥檛 get eight hours of sleep,鈥� a sympathetic Dell’Antonia said.
That is why she recommends parents prioritize downtime so that it doesn鈥檛 have to compete with sleep. (Dell’Antonia said this rule also goes for overscheduled teens who juggle hours of homework with sports practice and play rehearsals.)
鈥淭he time that you鈥檙e choosing what you get to do, that鈥檚 important and valuable time that we want, too. So that actually, weirdly, helps mornings,鈥� she said.
Too much help is a bad thing
It鈥檚 normal for parents to want what鈥檚 best for their kids and to do everything they can to provide a good life for them. But Dell’Antonia warns: just make sure you aren鈥檛 doing too much.
鈥淟et me put it this way: Do you want to raise a kid for whom everything has gone perfectly? Do you want to raise the future college roommate who has never even so much as lost a balloon without you replacing it? Of course, on a day-to-day level, we want our kids to be happy and we want things to be good and we want to give them all the things. But realistically, that鈥檚 not the adult we want to shoot out into the world,鈥� she said.
So when the gym shoes go missing, don鈥檛 make it your problem. Offer to help look, but stay out of the drama. It鈥檚 important for kids to make mistakes and for parents to help them deal with setbacks so they 鈥渄evelop the emotional wherewithal to survive a day of forgotten gym shoes,鈥� Dell’Antonia said.
鈥淚f you do all the things for them 鈥� if you make sure everything goes smoothly 鈥� then they don鈥檛 get the experience of things not going smoothly,鈥� she added.
鈥淚 think it鈥檚 just important to remember that it鈥檚 not really our job to ease the way. It鈥檚 our job to teach them to deal with what鈥檚 going to be a complicated life.鈥�
A boring dinner is OK
Dell’Antonia said dinner time is the biggest chunk of time when most members of a household are together in one place. Therefore, it鈥檚 important to make the most of it 鈥� even if that requires some advance planning.
鈥淚t鈥檚 really hard to sort of sail home from work and pickup the kids from day care and walk into the house and have no idea what鈥檚 for dinner,鈥� Dell’Antonia said.
She understands why some are turned off by the predictability of meal planning, but said 鈥渇rom a happiness perspective, especially when your kids are little,鈥� having a routine, a few prepped meals or a well-stocked pantry, is 鈥渁 gift from not having to make those decisions at what you know is going to be a tough time of day.鈥�
鈥淵ou can go back to gourmet cooking when they鈥檙e bigger,鈥� she added.
A shift in perspective
It鈥檚 easy to zero in on the constant mess, the crayon-colored walls and the toddler tantrums, but Dell’Antonia said one of the best things parents can do to improve their happiness is to focus on the good.
鈥淩ecognize the good things that are going on around you, that when you walk in the door with that screaming baby and the two toddlers running amok that, you know, you wanted the babies and the toddlers and that this is sort of the warm, fuzzy part of your day, even if it鈥檚 a little rough and not the sort of sitcom beautiful thing that you were somehow hoping for,鈥� Dell’Antonia said.
鈥淲hen we spot the good and help our brains to not just focus on the bad bits 鈥� then it just gets easier for our brains to sort of feel good about where we are and who we are and what we鈥檙e doing, which we ought to. We have lovely, modern lives. We really do.鈥�
