Raising children has never been an easy job.
Parenting is wrought with anxieties, uncertainties and inevitably, failures. But in today鈥檚 cultural and political climate of #MeToo, bullying, substance abuse and mass shootings, parents are questioning convention and asking, 鈥淎re we raising our boys all wrong?鈥�
鈥淲e really are in a unique time in history when traditional masculinity has been profoundly disrupted by the broader movement for gender equality,鈥� said Michael Reichert, a psychologist, founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys鈥� and Girls鈥� Lives at the University of Pennsylvania and author of 鈥�.鈥�
鈥淭hat has cast a light on boyhood and the kinds of things we鈥檝e taken for granted, [things] we鈥檝e normalized in boyhood for generations.鈥�
One example of a normalized boyhood experience is the notion that young men should be stoic and slow to show emotion. Messages such as 鈥渄on鈥檛 be a mama鈥檚 boy鈥� and 鈥渁ct like a man鈥� are ingrained in society, penetrating music, movies, even marriage.
Playing into masculine norms comes at a cost, however 鈥� something Reichert calls 鈥渁n inconvenient truth about boyhood.鈥�
Male teens are more likely to drive recklessly than their peers. In 2016, the motor vehicle death rate for male drivers ages 16 to 19 was double their female counterparts, according to the . Among male drivers ages 15 to 20 who were involved in fatal crashes in 2016, 32% were speeding and 21% had been drinking.
High school boys and heavily than girls, and men are more likely than women to use almost all types of illicit drugs, resulting in more trips to the emergency room and overdose deaths, according to the .
鈥淟osses of virtue, and connection and educational opportunity 鈥� even losses of life 鈥� has characterized boyhood for generations,鈥� Reichert said.
鈥淎nd I think the real blessing of the movement for gender equality is that we鈥檙e actually able to look at boyhood more honestly and ask ourselves, 鈥榃hat鈥檚 going on that we鈥檙e producing such negative outcomes so routinely?鈥欌��
Rather than encouraging boys to detach from their emotions, Reichert said parents can help their sons build emotional literacy by 鈥淸creating] conditions in the relationship where he can really be himself and show what鈥檚 in his heart.鈥�
鈥淗e鈥檚 only going to do that if he鈥檚 not afraid of being judged or blamed or censored. We鈥檝e got to get a check on the reactive ways that we parents sometimes respond to our sons when they show us aspects of who they are or who they鈥檙e becoming,鈥� Reichert said.
Another step parents can take is to become more self-aware of the 鈥渞outine myths and stereotypes鈥� that plague boys 鈥� and Reichert said everyone is guilty of this.
鈥淭here isn鈥檛 a parent today who isn鈥檛 part of the problem, who isn鈥檛 contributing to the reproducing of an outdated model of what a boy is and the kinds of skills that a boy needs to master. We鈥檙e all, essentially, carrying the virus and we鈥檙e passing it along to our sons,鈥� he said.
An example of one routine myth is the 鈥渂oys will be boys鈥� belief.
鈥淪ome mothers who find themselves confronting a boy who makes his hand into a gun or who loves rambunctious play come to believe that it鈥檚 hormones; it鈥檚 brain differences, genetic differences that make their son who he is,鈥� said Reichert.
鈥淲e no longer dare to say that biology is destiny when it comes to girls and women, and that鈥檚 because the incorrectness of that myth has been proven in the last generation or two. But we still, I think, harbor the belief that boys, men, are more dominated by primitive hormonal impulses 鈥� as if we guys are not capable of regulating those impulses with our minds and our brains.鈥�
A consequence of playing into this prejudice is the perpetuation of bullying and violence among boys. Reichert said young boys are 鈥渟teeped in violence鈥� from the time they leave their homes to 鈥渉angout at playgrounds or in school yards and whatnot.鈥�
鈥淲hat [a young boy will] contend with is boys that are pushing and jumping and seeking, in one way or another, to dominate. And what鈥檚 going on there isn鈥檛 innate. It is the effect of conditioning 鈥� urging boys to compete with each other, to be top dog in kind of a brutal winner-take-all peer culture,鈥� Reichert said.
Government data show boys are than girls. Men are also more likely to , compared to women. The majority of have been carried out by men.
Reichert said parents need to be realistic about what their sons are contending with and what they鈥檙e absorbing, 鈥渨ithout being either approving or disapproving.鈥�
鈥淥ur job is to be 鈥� what we call 鈥榓 holding environment鈥� for our sons. We need to be bigger than them and in a position to receive whatever they express and help them learn to self-regulate by venting the distress, the emotional energy that they鈥檙e carrying in their hearts,鈥� Reichert said.
鈥淲e need to offer them the kind of confidence and security that we know them and we love them and we welcome them to show who they are.鈥�
