WASHINGTON 鈥� It鈥檚 not the most wonderful time of the year for a lot of people. Pretty much everyone can feel stressed by all the extra cooking, celebrating and travel that happen around the holidays, but for some, it鈥檚 a time for feeling serious sadness.
Two local psychologists share their advice for dealing with the聽drear that can crop up at this time of year.
鈥淚t can be a hard time for people, and for a couple of reasons,鈥� said Peter Sheras, a clinical psychologist and chairman of the department of Human Services at the Curry School of Education at the University of Virginia. 鈥淚t is a time for increased stress, positive and negative, for most people.鈥�
The good news, Sheras said, is that despite the common perception, suicide numbers go down in November and December. But he does see an uptick in 鈥減eople coming in to confront something that they maybe haven鈥檛 confronted in a while.鈥�
One of the most important things you can do to help yourself, Sheras said, is manage your expectation of what the holiday season can be.
鈥淭here are people who just have very high expectations for the holidays, and sometimes they鈥檙e disappointed,” Sheras said.
It happens because the real holiday can鈥檛 keep up with the idealized holidays people think they remember from the past 鈥� sometimes not even the distant past.
鈥淔or most people, growing up, the holiday is a very joyous time, a family time. And they remember that. And so they compare it to how things are now 鈥� how are we doing compared to last year, or 10 years ago? Or what am I not able to do that I used to do?鈥�
Janet R. Laubgross, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Fairfax, Virginia, agrees.
鈥淓specially parents 鈥� we remember the holidays as kids, and all these things were done for us, and then we think 鈥極h, we have to do all this for our children,鈥� or we want it done for us, and that鈥檚 not gonna (sic) happen anymore. So reduce the expectations on yourself and on others.鈥�
She advises sticking to your normal routine as closely as you can, especially regarding eating (鈥渘ot everything is a treat鈥�) and exercise, which really can help mood. And it鈥檚 also important to focus on what really matters 鈥� to yourself and your family.
鈥淎sk everyone in the family what one thing they really want to do for the holidays, and do those things, and let a lot of other things go. People have these long, long lists 鈥� and then you realize that half of them, they don鈥檛 even care about.鈥�
Laubgross adds that the atmosphere of shopping can really put a dent in your mood, but that there鈥檚 no reason to get caught up in it.
鈥淪tay away from the stores,鈥� she advised, saying that the ease of online shopping makes it easy. And as with other temptations of the season, be reasonable: Set a budget and stick to it.
Sheras said the emphasis on family during the holidays can be tough on people who don鈥檛 spend a lot of time with their relatives anymore.
鈥淚f you鈥檙e with your family, sometimes you鈥檙e stressed about being with your family; if you鈥檙e not with your family, sometimes you鈥檙e stressed about not being with them.鈥�
If the family situation has you stressed, Sheras said, remember to manage your expectations there as well: 鈥淚t鈥檚 not a good time to resolve that conflict with Uncle Harry; it鈥檚 a time to be together and enjoy each other.鈥�
For a lot of people, this is the first holiday after a loved one鈥檚 death, or after a divorce, and that can make for a dreary time. But it can be a chance to really help yourself heal, depending on how you approach it, Sheras said.
鈥淧eople in that situation need to deal with it in the same way they would deal with grief, which is to get some support, to acknowledge the feelings that you have, to use the positive people around you.
鈥淪ometimes the holiday is a great time to be with people 鈥� to talk with people, to get support from your family. And talking about that person, remembering that person 鈥� that鈥檚 a natural part of completing the issues that you have dealing with your grief. So it can be an opportunity as well.鈥�
If it鈥檚 the first holiday without your kids after a divorce, Laubgross says her advice still holds. Use the time you鈥檙e on your own to make plans with friends, or even do something as simple as a movie marathon for yourself. 鈥淪omething so that you鈥檙e occupied and enjoying yourself as much as possible.鈥� And in the time you have your kids, stick to the list of things they really want to do.
Planning something as simple聽as a movie marathon to take your mind off the fact that you鈥檙e away from your kids might seem a little lame, but Laubgross said to do it anyway.
鈥淓ven if you鈥檙e not gonna (sic) enjoy it as much because it鈥檚 a tough holiday season, it鈥檚 still better to do these things and enjoy it somewhat, and that鈥檒l help you get out of your mood a little bit.鈥�
Sheras said it鈥檚 important to differentiate between the regular 鈥渉oliday blues鈥� 鈥� something that just happens due to increased stress 鈥� and the condition of depression, which is year-round and can be exacerbated by holiday stress. Either way, stress doesn鈥檛 help.
鈥淚t鈥檚 pretty fair to say that high levels of stress make everything worse,鈥� he said. 鈥淒epression, the disease, may not be caused by stress, but a lot of us have symptoms, like a lot of us have headaches sometimes, because of the circumstances around us.鈥�
But if that kind of depression lingers for weeks after the holidays are over, Sheras said, it鈥檚 time to consult a professional. 鈥淒on鈥檛 worry about 鈥榗atching鈥� depression because of a stressful holiday, but it may reveal some depression that you may have.鈥�
